Cracked Articles Galore! 5 Fan Theories That Make Classic Movies Even Better!

Cracked Articles Galore! 5 Fan Theories That Make Classic Movies Even Better!

And again! 5 Fan Theories That Make Classic Movies Even Better! Oh, and as a special treat, here’s an article entry that didn’t make the final cut! Enjoy!

The Indiana Jones Film Series Is Just A Huge Dream

As everyone knows, at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, the rogue-ish and daring adventurer Han Solo (played by Harrison Ford) was encased in carbonite. This left him in a coma-like state of suspended animation for one year (in movie time), until the events of Return of the Jedi and his eventual rescue and reawakening by Luke and Leia.

After Empire, director George Lucas decided to take some time out and so made a little movie you might have heard about, Raiders of the Lost Ark, which starred Harrison Ford as a rogue-ish and daring adventurer. If you’ve seen both films, you’ll know that Han and Indiana are identical in character: both are sarcastic, womanising smartasses with a taste for danger, riches/fortune and glory, leather clothing, and hanging out with hair-covered beasts with unintelligible accents.

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What could this mean?

The Theory:

Well, according to one theory, it’s because the events of the Indiana Jones films are nothing more than the dreams of a carbonite-encased Han Solo.

Firstly, Empire was released in 1980, whilst Raiders was released in 1981. In other words, Han being put into suspended animation and his subsequent ‘dream’ happen in chronological order.

But, you might ask, if Indiana Jones is fictional, then where did Han get the idea for the Nazis from? Simple: he modelled them after the Stormtroopers, the anonymous identically-dressed goons of the Empire, a totalitarian regime with the desire to conquer everything in sight. After all, they themselves were modelled on the Nazi’s own real-life Stormtroopers, so it’s not hard to imagine this influence being reversed in Han’s carbonite-addled head.

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Oh, and then there’s the numerous references to the Star Wars universe dotted throughout the Indiana Jones films.

This is taken from the end of the opening sequence to Raiders. Check out the ID of the plane on its tail: OB-CPO, after Obi-Wan Kenobi and C-3PO.

Then, during Raiders again, there’s a hieroglyph of R2-D2 and C-P30 in the Well of Souls (where Indiana finds the Ark).

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The opening sequence of Temple of Doom takes place in ‘Club Obi-Wan’.

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During the battle on the ship during the opening sequence (again?!) of Last Crusade, there are barrels of ‘Carboneto’ onboard, a thinly-veiled reference to Carbonite

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And, finally, in Crystal Skull, these wall plaques of C-P30 and R2-D2 make an appearance in the Temple of Akator

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Clearly, Han’s subconscious is inserting references to people and carbonite into his ‘dreams’.

Want more proof? Well, how about the fact that there isn’t a single reference to the Indiana Jones franchise in any of the Star Wars movies? None whatsoever. If Han did dream the entire IJ series, then it’d be logical that there aren’t any references to it in the ‘real world’, as there isn’t anything to reference. After all, none of it really happened. Which is excellent news because then that means George Lucas didn’t destroy yet-another beloved franchise with awful-CGI’d aliens. We’re looking at you, Crystal Skull.

New Cracked Article! 6 Military Fakes You Won’t Believe Fooled The World!

New Cracked Article! 6 Military Fakes You Won’t Believe Fooled The World!

I’d write a praragraph here describing why you should read my brand new article for Cracked.com- 6 Military Fakes You Won’t Believe Fooled The World- but I’m about to be deployed on a top-secret spying mission to North Korea. It’s so I can write my newest article ’8 Unintentionally Hilarious Weaknesses in North Korea’s Army Defenses’. You wouldn’t understand.

New Cracked Article! 10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams

New Cracked Article! 10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams

If your Christmas tree is looking a bit awful this year- perhaps the tinsel is threadbare, the lights are only just clinging onto life, or the fairy more closely resembles a prostitute than the Spirit of Giving- consider yourself warned. After all, if this latest article I just co-wrote for Cracked.com is right (and they frequently are), it could be much, much, much worse.

Why The SAS Are So Badass

If you’ve spent any time on the cool parts of the internet at any point over the last few days, you’d know that I had a Cracked article published with the powerhouse that is Karl Smallwood about the insane ways that some special forces groups are trained. There’s groups you might already know about such as the US Navy Seals and the Russian Spetznaz, alongside lesser-known lunatics like the Australian Z Special Unit and the North Korean Storm Corps. However, you might have noticed that there’s no SAS, and that’s because that part was cut for some reason (Britophobia?). But, don’t despair, because you can read it here! Now! Continue reading

How Shapes Influence Your Taste Buds

So, last year I became internet famous by having another article, entitled “The 5 Weirdest Things That Can Influence How Your Food Tastes“, published on Cracked.com. But, unbeknownst to everyone who isn’t reading this blog, there was actually a sixth entry on that list, regarding how shapes can also play havok on your taste buds. This bit, for reasons not explained to me, had to be cut; however, this doesn’t mean that I can’t show it to you here instead. Think of this as a deleted scene, if you will. Don’t say I don’t spoil you. Continue reading